Depression and the Bridge to Happiness

The scary word, the scary person, the scary situation that everybody's trying to run away from. Yet today, thank God, here I am, healthy, still alive and perfectly sane to confess, yes, I had had a depression! Or I thought I had. For those reading this post and not depressed, I am cheering for you and I hope you will never ever get into that dark hole, but I am trying to give you somewhat of a description of what it's like (at least to me) and I hope one day you could save or help one. And oh you the depressed, I am also cheering for you, I hope you find that light as soon as you can. However by reading my post I can't promise you to help you get out of your depression, but I am here with you and if there is only one sentence that I could tell you a gazillion times, endlessly; you are not alone, you are NOT alone ! And I would just sit there with you and tell you that again and again.

There is always that feeling of shame and self pity whenever a person comes out of depression, thus not everybody is willing to share that because it's mostly seen as a weakness, too vulnerable, embarrassing, interferes with the image you're trying to build, etc. However somewhere out there, there are people crying for help, screaming their lungs out, without any sound. And this is why I think it is important that the depression survivors step up and come out. To help those still stuck in 'there' to show them that there is always hope.

Again, I thank God everyday that He had pulled me out of that dark hole. I am super grateful. So I got out of depression a few years ago. I felt I couldn't write about it back then, it was too emotional and I wanted to write it as objectively as I could, so I waited until I could feel normal again. Thank God I am now. Every case is different. I believe there are people out there who've gone through worse. Maybe my case was considered a 'mild' depression (?), but that was enough to scare the life out of me. 

Depression is like a black hole. Once you're sucked in, it feels like running around, trapped in an endless maze without knowing how to ever get out. It's a dark dark place. A place you don't want to fall into, a place you never want to visit. Having struggled through and got out of depression, it was an experience with a lot of life lessons, however I recommend anyone to just stay far away from it. Depression was the lowest point of my life. It was this overwhelming sadness, that was just so sad that sadness itself didn't feel like anything anymore. I felt literally numb. I couldn't even feel myself. I lost the sense of who I was, what I was capable of and it was torture. Therefrom I learnt that the greatest kind of loss is not losing something or someone you love. The greatest loss is the loss of yourself. That numbness, emptiness and that question that echoes 'Will I ever be truly happy again?', 'Will I ever see light at the end of this tunnel?'. It was so bad that I got to the point of psychosomatic and panic attacks. You see, when you lose something, you can just easily get something else in change, but what happens when you lose yourself? Thank God. I survived. I'm a survivor!

Thank God (again), I never ever got to the point of being suicidal thinking or self-harm, I still have faith and hope. But at first, maybe it felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel,yet. We have to make the light ourselves! I started creating mine by forgiveness. Forgiving myself and that's all it took to start, giving me enough light to direct me out of this dark dark awful tunnel. And perhaps somewhere along the way you start to discover the paths, the wrong turns, your wrong turns, the messy steps you got yourself into and then you realize there is that end of the tunnel after all. How did I know that I am fully recovered? I guess, because it doesn't hurt as much, talking about it, less resentful, less bitterness, and I can now talk about it quite objectively.

Having gotten out of depression was also a process. The process of healing and rediscovery of what you are and all the things that you can do. But from then on life was not the same. You get happier and livelier, you appreciate happiness in a way you never did, but that dark tunnel you once went through was one great lesson. To this point I don't know whether I should be grateful to that experience. I think I should. But what I know for sure, I got out, I'm alive and that is a good thing to be grateful of. It had made me stronger, wiser and above all I now know what it's like to feel the bottom of that dark cold depression and that had made me more sensitive to those going through it.

Come to realize with the situation. Okay, you're lost and now let's get out of that scary place! Make your light, no matter how hard it might be, with sticks, rocks or whatever you can find and run. Run as fast you can. You still have dreams, catch them! You fall, you get up, you try again, you run again, you fall, you get up and run again. If you can't run, walk or crawl if you must. Find that happiness, go get your happiness and never stop! Believe me, all good intentions, all hard work will pay off. Once you're out of that stage, take the lessons, forget the bad memories, leave all the bitterness away, let it go, you have a full live ahead of you! That recovery may not happen instantly but it's a process. Along the way, start picking up your life and yourself again. Do things that make you feel encouraged, strong, surround and give lots and lots of love! I believe in you. You can do it!

Confessing that you're having a depression might feel like the hardest thing to do for the depressed, because the only thing they crave is at least a shoulder to cry on and the last thing they need is being judged. But trust me, take that chance of reaching out to somebody that is trustworthy enough, help yourself and hopefully someone will grab your hand and help you pull yourself out of that situation. Have the courage, have faith. The key is to never stop moving towards the light.